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Where did it all begin? The history of sex toys

What is the oldest thing you can think of? Dinosaurs? Cave men? The planet? All good answers but let’s be honest fairly mundane stuff. Think pleasure, think love, think sex.

The mechanics of sex haven’t changed much since the dawn of time but since the Stone Age, man, or most notably woman, have been adding a number of items to their passion pits to remove themselves from run-of-the-mill reality.

The first known dildo recovered by paleontologists dates to the Paleolithic era. Made of siltstone and polished to a high gloss, for obvious chaffing reasons, we still do not know what this artifact was used for.

Irony strikes again with the phallic like objet d’art accredited to either religious purposes or seedy sexual pleasure. They seem to go hand in hand these days.

Fast forward to Victorian times, steam was powering our lives and the revolution had already begun. Britain ruled the world which stems my surprise that ‘female hysteria’ became a recognisable illness. How was this treated you ask? Masturbation. Wait, What?

Yes, you heard it right, qualified medical professionals rubbed patients private parts until orgasm was achieved. Try saying that sentence ten times over and over. The logic of this treatment quickly disappeared. Not because of the hugely inappropriate actions but because doctors would complain of boredom and wrist-ache. With no dog-house to be sent to by doting girlfriends George Taylor stepped forward to invent the very first steam- powered vibrator.

Not everyone agrees with this theory. The more mad-minded of people think that Cleopatra, the legendary seductress was the inventor of the vibrator. Hollowing out a gourde and filling it with, wait for it, bees, supposedly created a frantic buzz and satisfied Egypt’s queen bee.

Things have moved on a little these days ranging from the rampant rabbit to the magic wand, no Harry Potter fans do not get excited; it’s not what you think.

Forget Scrooge, there is no ghost of pleasure past; albeit there are a few tiny Tim’s out there, right ladies? The future is bright, the future isn’t orange, it’s pink, it’s Love Pleasure.